Because plagiarism saves time.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Warning: Semi-British Semi-Conservative Humour

Warning: this is pretty long. You're either going to have to sit and read it or sit and scroll past it. Or you could just go to eBaumsWorld and watch that video of the monkey picking its nose.

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:


The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE BRITISH VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front
of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with
breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel' s taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had
hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they have tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid
for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

A forwarded letter from Walmart. It's real, honest.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.

Wal-Mart Complaint Department MEMO
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints -

15 things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse $through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Via someone called Sire.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

How to surprise a waitress, an MT Original

1) Order three extra spoons with your dessert and throw them out of the window.

2) roll up the napkin and singe the end with the candle so it looks
like a joint

3) insist that your mint imperial is corked and demand another.

4) on the way out, pick up the spoons you threw out and use them to
stir your coffee the next day.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Remember Engrish? Here's some more like it:

Via.
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

The "Steve! Don't Eat It!" Blog

I have to hand it to Steve, writing about vomitworthy food does make for an original and midly amusing blog.

Gullible.info

Judging by its name, I'd err on the side of caution when using facts found on this site in dissertations.

Friday, July 14, 2006

New from MT*: How to be Human

Like most of my spin-off blogs this probably isn't going to last forever, but hell, a blog's a blog. Proudly presenting How To Be Human.

I'm giving into pressure... yes, it's a Zinedine Zidane post.

I think this page on The Register sums up most of the headbutting virals thus far.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

The Numbers Game

This game is brilliantly simple. Basically you have to try an advance to the page with the next number. If you don't quite grasp what I'm getting at, check the comments for the answers to the first few.

But try it yourself, it feels much better when you finally work it out.

The bank made his day.

So it's an advert for a bank. And its comedy value is almost purely slapstick. But it's still worth watching.

More Things To Do On a Long Haul Flight

  • Find common interests. Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection Program too?"
  • Call the stewardess "nurse".
  • Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be ours...."
  • Speak in Sesame Street-ese e.g. "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather."
  • Continually offer to share your "Beano".
  • Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.
  • Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so you can check.
  • Plug the earphones into your nostrils.
  • Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F".
  • Use the in-plane phone. Call God and say, "The reception is much clearer up here...."
  • Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent. Call the person "mate". Tell them you're not used to seeing the sky, since you are from "Down Under". Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee," such as "That's not a knife! That's a knife!", until they are forced to yell at you that you are not Australian. Call them prejudiced.
  • Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "My, you have a very irate home,' she said governessly."
  • Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Things to do on a Long Haul Flight

  • Spill soda on the person next to you every few minutes.
  • Dress up as a Jehovah's Witness and systematically try to convert each passenger.
  • Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.
  • Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, anounce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.
  • Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.
  • Go up to someone and ask loudly if they wouldn't mind applying Preporation H to your hemrrhoids.
  • Tap at the windows, saying "Looks pretty tough" then ask somone if they have a bat you could use to test.
  • Disco dance in the aisle.
  • Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!"
  • Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you.
  • Try to lead plane in song "Oh I wish I was an Oscar Myer Weiner"
  • Moon passing Delta planes.
  • Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.
  • Start a hot dog stand.
  • Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.
  • No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni.
  • Ask the guy next to you to hold your dentures (senior citizens only).
  • Switch accents and see if anyone notices.
  • Put on a ten foot diameter sombrero and slouch in your seat, whacking everyone on the head.
  • Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says "e"
  • Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it.
  • Wear a hairpiece and switch it often, seeing if anyone notices.
  • Scream and dive under your seat for no apparent reason.
  • Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling "Yeee-ha!"
  • With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Nevermind. Do you have any towels?"
  • If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off
  • Pretend you're flying the plane.
  • Take over the plane with a toy gun

Subject Lines

It seems that the new Yahoo! Mail service will actually suggest a subject for you if you click on the word "subject". Here's some of its oddest suggestions:
  • You can't teach an old dog to live in glass houses.
  • I like pie.
  • I believe those were mouse droppings
  • Wanna try the Good Cop/Bad Cop routine?
  • cycling over melons
  • Cooking pork chops in the toaster
  • Do you suffer from uncontrollable falling down?
  • Shake it, don't break it, took your mama 9 months to make it.
  • Clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon
  • Hazards of storing plutonium in Tupperware
  • he who laughs last always has the last laugh
  • Dang! That's the 10th Commandment I've broken today
  • All your platypus are belong to us.
  • Orange Mocha Frappuccinos!
  • Revoking your creative license
  • I'm NOT fat...that's my money belt
  • It's not you, it's me. I don't like you.
  • There are eels in my hovercraft
  • I am not a chew toy
  • Help watering the plastic flowers
  • Why does Chinese food always taste better in front of a computer?
  • Early bird gets the worm. But what about the early worm?
  • I eat tofu and I vote.
  • Carving watermelons on Halloween
  • Re: mummification?
  • I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

There are hundreds of them, so if there's a good one I've missed you can leave a comment.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

(Site Update)

People may encounter a few problems over the next few days when trying to contact me or send email to Spamblog. Leaving comments on the blog should still be OK though, and if you receive a "your message has been sent" reply you can be 99.98% sure your message got through.

The reason: I've been tinkering around with a new email address thing and I think I broke some domain setting stuff whilst setting it up; and apparently it'll take a few days to correct itself.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Why Americans should never be allowed to travel

Allegedly, these are true stories as told by travel agents. Via this page.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

Credit Card

This anecdote was originally by "Zug's Fronzel Neekburm", whoever that is.
I don't sign my credit cards. Once I went to check into a hotel and the girl checked the back of the card and said it wasn't signed. I signed it there in front of her, and she checked it with the register receipt I also signed in front of her. THANK GOD THEY MATCHED!

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

A message to MT*'s American Readers...

.. have a very hapy fourth of July, and remember that even though we don't rule your country anymore, you still keep coming back to read our blogs.

Okay, so most of them are hosted on American servers, but that isn't the point.

Quote of the Day

"[He] has a school project to do on JFK"
Me: "The airport?"

Hallucinations without the carcinogens.

That would be this video here. You *do* have to stare at it for some time but if you stare at something that isn't plain afterward you can see it working pretty well.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Bumper Stickers, Inc.

  • So many stupid people, so few asteroids.
  • Excess is never too much in moderation.
  • To err is human, to moo bovine.
  • Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
  • The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
  • This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.
  • What would Gandalf do?
  • I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.
  • If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex?
  • If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
  • Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.
  • On your mark, get set, go away!
  • I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
  • If you can read this, you're not the president.
  • If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!
  • Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
  • Procrastinate now.
  • I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries with that?
  • Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.
  • Do they ever shut up on your planet?
  • If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons?
  • Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
  • Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
  • Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  • The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
  • My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
  • Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  • Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
  • If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?
  • Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  • God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
  • It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  • Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
  • Honk If you want to see my finger.
  • If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
  • Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
  • If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!
  • Driver carries no cash. He's married.
  • All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
  • Watch out for the idiot behind me.
  • I doubt, therefore I might be.
  • If it ain't broke, fix it until it is.
  • Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
  • Vote Democrat — it's easier than working!
  • Vote Republican — it's easier than thinking!
  • Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
  • Squirrels: Nature's speed bumps.