Jet wheelchair

I want one!
Jet Wheelchairs

Funny Place Names

Have an immature laugh: find funny place names near your area.

We Dare You: Everyday Dares

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

3. Don't use any punctuation anywhere

4. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

5. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

6. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

7. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

8. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

9. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"

10. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, Run for your lives, they're loose!"

... and office dares

ONE-POINT DARES

1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2. Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).

3. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

5. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

6. While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINT DARES

1. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".

2. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

FIVE POINT DARES

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem - (extra 3 points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

4. After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

5. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.

6. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

7. In a male colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".

8. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".

10. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

11. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

12. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

13. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.

14. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

15. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

16. Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."

17. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

Nick and Bob

Nothing to do with weebl. This is the childish humour and Comic Sans combo that mdmone lover's inner selves don't know they want.

[ DNC ]

Addictions

You are addicted to video games when:

* Your wife tells you that you are, and you two kids; Mario, and Sonic; agree with her.
* You ask your doctor how many lives you have left.
* You've decided you won't go outside anymore due to the 'tacky graphics, poor sound and low playability.'

You are addcited to coffee when:

* You can jump start your car without cables.
* You answer the door before people knock.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you are parked.
* You've worn out your third pair of shoes this week.
* You grind coffee beans in your mouth.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You don't sweat... you percolate.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
* The only time you are standing still is during an earthquake.
* All your kids are named Joe.
* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* You don't get mad, you get steamed.
* You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
* You don't tan, you roast.
* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
* You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
* You ski uphill.
* You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* Your taste buds are so numb; you could drink your lava lamp.
* Your Thermos is on wheels.

You are addicted to eBay when:

* Every time you go to the grocery store, you offer the cashier one cent more for each item in the cart of the person in front of you.
* Sitting on the floor of your empty apartment, you stare at your fingers and wonder whether they'll sell better individually or as a matched set.
* Your spouse is loving and caring but you decided to file for divorce because you need the storage space.
* You're the reason they adopted the "No selling your children's vital organs" policy.
* Just ask your kids, eRay and eFaye.
* You set your alarm clock for 3 am so you can log on to protect your bid.
* You've questioned your sanity because of the price you've bid... more than once.
* You've changed all your clocks to "eBay official time (PDT)."
* You've turned up the volume on your email alert so you'll never miss an Outbid Notice.
* You won't go to estate auctions because they don't take PayPal.

Better than Beat-The-Bleep

Just guide your mouse through the maze without touching the walls. Easy, but beware.

If I could fly...

Short little animation that brings you inner peace. How lovely.

Armadillo

The video you've heard so much about, where our army tackle the Peter Kaye video. Yes, its hugley overrated, but you'll probably click here out of curiosity anyway.

Don't you just love kids?

Possibly one of the best use of children in adverts ever.

Scientific Breakthrough

A new seatbelt for married couples has been developed.

2005 Beer & Wine Mathematics

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have a pint or a glass or two of wine.

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to get an honest figure)

3 Add 5 (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50. (Start > Programs > Accessories > Calculator if you need help ... )

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755. If you haven't, add 1754

6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born.

You should have a three-digit number


The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have a pint this week), and the next two numbers are...

…………..your age! How lovely. Well it killed a minute or so.

Please make this a reality

Clean and Secure

One of the best crimes... thwarted by a cleaner.

Another powerpoint abot nothing

Have you seen the Signs?

Fat Guy Fever

Another duplicate of the Fat Guy Singing is going around the Internet.

But a copy's never as good as the original.

Apology

We are aware a few people have been annoyed by the post regarding Northumbrian settlements. We understand this, and are sorry for any offence. If you live in one of the targeted areas and this apology is not good enough please email us your phone number and we will call you to give a personal apology.

Calls may be recorded and we reserve the right to publish any conversation on the blog so everyone can laugh at your accent.

[ DNC ]

Widdrington, Amble and Morpeth: The Secret Life of Northumberland

I've been investigating the residents of some of the little Northumbrian villages around here, and I'm sure you'll agree there are some conclusive results:

Widdrington Station

* Background radiation causes Widdrington residents to lay eggs. They try to keep this secret by holding in the eggs when visitors are present, but holding them in for a long time causes them pain.
Evidence: They scowl at visitors and always have lots of eggs.

* The Widdy Chippy is not a chip shop; this is a cover story. It is actualy the base of the top-secret Widdrington Air Force. Until they can afford n aeroplane, the pilots, some no older than eleven, ride push bikes off the end of the chippy's roof, aiming for rival town Amble.
Evidence: The chippy windows are often boarded up and there's usually a trashed bike lying around somewhere.

* The Widdrington dialect is actually a secret code, for example "Hellur" means "Quick, someone's coming, stop laying eggs!"
Evidence: No Widdrington residents lay eggs upon recieving the "Hellur" signal.

(Appendix: the Widdrington folk use the code so much it appears to have rubbed off on their normal conversations. If, for some reason, you wish to talk to someone from Widdrington, use the Ashington District Dictionary and Charver Dictionary from Newcastle Stuff.)


Amble

* Amble spends over £25 of EU money on tourist attractions every year. They have invested in a water feature crafted by the famous Armitage Shanks, and apply a fresh coat of seagull *poo* to their monument on a weekly basis.
Evidence: None, just a theory.

* Because of all this money being spent on tourism, Amble is rumoured to be bidding for the 2014 Olympic Games.
Evidence: Again, none, just a theory.

* In response to the attacks by the Widdrington Air Force, The Widdrington-Amble Tolerance Society has ceased to exist and all former members will deny the existence of such a society.
Evidence: We asked everyone* in Amble if they were a member of this society and they told us to go away (or words to that effect).

( * not everyone, but a sufficient sample. )

The Morpethian Suburbs

* Hepscott chavs smoke fine cigars an have butler to attack (marr) their enemies. Stobhill chavs smoke anything that doesn't move (often soil).
Evidence: Someone told me.

* Lancaster Park residents have the ability to turn invisible.
Evidence: Over a thousand people live there and it always seems deserted.

* If you knock three times on the timetable in a Lancaster Park or Kirkhill bus stop a trapdoor will open that leads into an underground complex with cinema, shopping centre and 15-lane bowling alley.
Evidence: There's only houses yet nobody there looks bored.

* Low Stanners is washed away every time it floods; the residents always rebuild before anyone notices.
Evidence: There are usually spontaneous piles of bricks around.


If you have a settlement you'd like to add please leave a comment.

Dead Ringers Clips

Dead Ringers clips in case you missed some:

Auction man

George W gets tough with North Korea

Bobo are you a boy?

Late Review - post match analysis for toffs

Delia on how to boil water

BBC4 goes populist

Bill Oddie gets sick of birds

The Blobs get some new merchandise

George W celebrates a victory

The Doctor visits a tanning shop

Pit Stop

Make sure you use the right tools for the job.

Ferarri Driver

Fast car, idiot driver. Shame its for a fag advert.

The Classic Radio 1 Wind Up....

Two takeaways + two telephones = Confusion.

Spooftastic

The other Citroen CV ad.

Recreating adverts

Nightclub lovers: watch the Cillit Bang Club Remix

May the Ford be with you

May the Ford be with you. Watch Jedi Car Wars

Another American sketch ends up on the blog

http://viral.lycos.co.uk/attachments/3874

Quick Test

Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, twopeopleget off and four get on In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get in. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? (See comments for the answer if you're really this stupid.)