Widdrington, Amble and Morpeth: The Secret Life of Northumberland

I've been investigating the residents of some of the little Northumbrian villages around here, and I'm sure you'll agree there are some conclusive results:

Widdrington Station

* Background radiation causes Widdrington residents to lay eggs. They try to keep this secret by holding in the eggs when visitors are present, but holding them in for a long time causes them pain.
Evidence: They scowl at visitors and always have lots of eggs.

* The Widdy Chippy is not a chip shop; this is a cover story. It is actualy the base of the top-secret Widdrington Air Force. Until they can afford n aeroplane, the pilots, some no older than eleven, ride push bikes off the end of the chippy's roof, aiming for rival town Amble.
Evidence: The chippy windows are often boarded up and there's usually a trashed bike lying around somewhere.

* The Widdrington dialect is actually a secret code, for example "Hellur" means "Quick, someone's coming, stop laying eggs!"
Evidence: No Widdrington residents lay eggs upon recieving the "Hellur" signal.

(Appendix: the Widdrington folk use the code so much it appears to have rubbed off on their normal conversations. If, for some reason, you wish to talk to someone from Widdrington, use the Ashington District Dictionary and Charver Dictionary from Newcastle Stuff.)


Amble

* Amble spends over £25 of EU money on tourist attractions every year. They have invested in a water feature crafted by the famous Armitage Shanks, and apply a fresh coat of seagull *poo* to their monument on a weekly basis.
Evidence: None, just a theory.

* Because of all this money being spent on tourism, Amble is rumoured to be bidding for the 2014 Olympic Games.
Evidence: Again, none, just a theory.

* In response to the attacks by the Widdrington Air Force, The Widdrington-Amble Tolerance Society has ceased to exist and all former members will deny the existence of such a society.
Evidence: We asked everyone* in Amble if they were a member of this society and they told us to go away (or words to that effect).

( * not everyone, but a sufficient sample. )

The Morpethian Suburbs

* Hepscott chavs smoke fine cigars an have butler to attack (marr) their enemies. Stobhill chavs smoke anything that doesn't move (often soil).
Evidence: Someone told me.

* Lancaster Park residents have the ability to turn invisible.
Evidence: Over a thousand people live there and it always seems deserted.

* If you knock three times on the timetable in a Lancaster Park or Kirkhill bus stop a trapdoor will open that leads into an underground complex with cinema, shopping centre and 15-lane bowling alley.
Evidence: There's only houses yet nobody there looks bored.

* Low Stanners is washed away every time it floods; the residents always rebuild before anyone notices.
Evidence: There are usually spontaneous piles of bricks around.


If you have a settlement you'd like to add please leave a comment.