Special MT* Feature: Mark's Guide to London

As some of you may know, yesterday I paid a visit to, as some people insist on calling it, the big smog. This guide isn't serious, as you may have guessed, but a lot of it is pretty true to life.

Coffee and Coffee Shops

• Stirring a two-layered Starbucks Frappuccino appears to be, from the reaction I got, the London equivalent of sticking up your middle finger; so avoid this at all costs.
  
• Additionally, do not specify that you would like your Frappuccino "with a straw".
• The plural of Starbucks is not Starbii. If you ask people if there are any Starbii nearby no-one will have a clue what you're on about.

The London Underground (hereafter The Tube)

• If you are carrying valuable items such as cellphones or MP3 players on a crowded train you may feel the need to put your hand in your pocket to prevent it from being picked. This is a good idea, but do be prepared for some cold stares if you then notice that your carriage is full of politically correct Asians.
  
• If you get bored waiting for a train to arrive and the platform is crowded, dropping a twenty pence piece on the floor makes for some low-cost entertainment.
• If you are lucky enough to get a seat on a train, resist the urge to sit for stay on board for an extra few stops so you can make the most of it.
• Under no circumstances should you let go of the handrail to stir your Frappuccino. This is especially true if you have removed the lid in order to do so.
• Do not confuse the blue line with the light blue line, or the mud-brown line with the maroon-brown line.

The Streets

• If you're nearing the fine line between being new to the area and being lost, it is a good idea to ask a street newspaper seller for directions. The same, however, is not true of homeless people. Big Issue sellers are a gray area.
• Never assume it is safe to cross a road just because everyone else is.
• Many streets bear the warning sign, "No paninis for 200yds."
• When purchasing strawberries from a market stall, it is not unusual to demand to see them made freshly right in front of you.
• Christopher Columbus never let a few bollards get in his way, and neither do London taxi drivers.
• If the green man goes out while you are halfway accross the road, run like hell.
• "Excuse me" is a phrase used by beggars, muggers and churchgoers, so Londoners will generally ignore this phrase. Instead, use short phrases such as "Directions?", or "Mind out the way", or "Alright son, wanna buy a bridge?"

Kings Cross Train Station

• If the information board tells you to queue behind a certain point, do so. The queue bears no relation to when you get to board the train nor where the correct platform shall be, but it gives one a sense of belonging.
• If you are travelling on a Virgin train and have a reserved seat; sit on the toilet instead - there's more legroom.
• While tipping is not regarded as compulsory in London or anywhere in the UK, the station vending machines are always appreciative when you pay for a 50p bag of Hula Hoops with a £2 coin.
• Instead of calling 0845 48 49 50 for National Rail Enquiries, call 0300 571 6293. The "number not recognised" message will make a lot more sense than anything the call centre tells you.
  

That Zoom Thing

Slightly freaky at times, but this could keep you clicking for ages.

These Bloggers are an angry bunch.

A blog-related episode of web comic Pearls Before Swine.

AirToons.com: Parodies of Flight Safety Notices

What could be finer than gross misinterpretations of flight safety notices?
(Note: some parodies may be not be SFW.)

Pencilmation meets Flash

If you liked Pencilmation you may also like this. If you found Pencilmation dull and patronising, you'll hate this.

17632.swf

Quotes That Should Have Been Famous

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."

Extracted from here.

Avoider (Me? Posting two games in a row?)

.. I must be getting 1337.

Anyway, this is a pretty good online game whereby you have to keep your mouse cursor away from the evil Japanese cursor-monster thing. And he's pretty fast.

Pundulumeca

God knows what Pendulumeca means, but it's a good flash game whereby you swing between funny block things.

Well, it beats doing work, at least.

The Revolution of the Wiki:

... has bought you instructions on how to eat an apple. It's good advice, honest.

Things People Hate About Other People

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. (MT* Warning: Unless you been living in a David Blaine-esque water tank for the last 5 years you will have heard this one before) When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

That Riddle Thing

Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Also: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

Click the comments for the answers.