Special MT* Feature: Mark's Guide to London

As some of you may know, yesterday I paid a visit to, as some people insist on calling it, the big smog. This guide isn't serious, as you may have guessed, but a lot of it is pretty true to life.

Coffee and Coffee Shops

• Stirring a two-layered Starbucks Frappuccino appears to be, from the reaction I got, the London equivalent of sticking up your middle finger; so avoid this at all costs.
  
• Additionally, do not specify that you would like your Frappuccino "with a straw".
• The plural of Starbucks is not Starbii. If you ask people if there are any Starbii nearby no-one will have a clue what you're on about.

The London Underground (hereafter The Tube)

• If you are carrying valuable items such as cellphones or MP3 players on a crowded train you may feel the need to put your hand in your pocket to prevent it from being picked. This is a good idea, but do be prepared for some cold stares if you then notice that your carriage is full of politically correct Asians.
  
• If you get bored waiting for a train to arrive and the platform is crowded, dropping a twenty pence piece on the floor makes for some low-cost entertainment.
• If you are lucky enough to get a seat on a train, resist the urge to sit for stay on board for an extra few stops so you can make the most of it.
• Under no circumstances should you let go of the handrail to stir your Frappuccino. This is especially true if you have removed the lid in order to do so.
• Do not confuse the blue line with the light blue line, or the mud-brown line with the maroon-brown line.

The Streets

• If you're nearing the fine line between being new to the area and being lost, it is a good idea to ask a street newspaper seller for directions. The same, however, is not true of homeless people. Big Issue sellers are a gray area.
• Never assume it is safe to cross a road just because everyone else is.
• Many streets bear the warning sign, "No paninis for 200yds."
• When purchasing strawberries from a market stall, it is not unusual to demand to see them made freshly right in front of you.
• Christopher Columbus never let a few bollards get in his way, and neither do London taxi drivers.
• If the green man goes out while you are halfway accross the road, run like hell.
• "Excuse me" is a phrase used by beggars, muggers and churchgoers, so Londoners will generally ignore this phrase. Instead, use short phrases such as "Directions?", or "Mind out the way", or "Alright son, wanna buy a bridge?"

Kings Cross Train Station

• If the information board tells you to queue behind a certain point, do so. The queue bears no relation to when you get to board the train nor where the correct platform shall be, but it gives one a sense of belonging.
• If you are travelling on a Virgin train and have a reserved seat; sit on the toilet instead - there's more legroom.
• While tipping is not regarded as compulsory in London or anywhere in the UK, the station vending machines are always appreciative when you pay for a 50p bag of Hula Hoops with a £2 coin.
• Instead of calling 0845 48 49 50 for National Rail Enquiries, call 0300 571 6293. The "number not recognised" message will make a lot more sense than anything the call centre tells you.