Strange Picture...

I'm going to use this to reply to every email I get that is written in pink Comic Sans.

"Oh, you update Stick Man, do you?"

Yes. Just because I'm too lazy to update The Penguin Page, Mark's Games, Public Shout and Spamblog desn't mean I don't add new episodes of Stick Man once every so often.

The Stick Man site is here. Episode eight will appear sometime soon.

Do you have to be juvenile to find this video funny?

Test here. Leave comments below.

Tips for the People

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR THIEVES Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SINGLE MEN Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

ALCOHOLICS: Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

Copied & pasted for your convinience.

Zork on Uncyclopedia

Here's an idea: a wiki-based text game.

This MUST have been photoshopped.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/agnte/28744614/
(Note: this is not my Flickr profile.)

Actual Questions and Answers on Quiz Shows

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.

Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

Anne Robinson: In olden times,! what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?

Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!

NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.


FAMILY FORTUNES
1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword

2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the capital of France? - F

4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital

7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil

8) A famous Scotsman? - Jock

9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair

14) A famous Royal? - Mail

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings


RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.

THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.

BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four

BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I ru! n, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?

DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

Use Google!

This is a great website for forwarding people to when they ask dumb questions. (EDIT: there's also a less offensive web address http://tinyurl.com/22c6t that can be used on message boards.

Compaq FAQ

Please God, let this be a real entry in the Compaq Online Help.

Stick Man is here!

Hosted on a free host. Drawn using Microsoft Paint. Stick Man is the most cheaply made Internet Superstar in the world; and he's right here on MT*.
http://stickman.marksthings.com

I Used to Believe

The site where people submit their amusing childhood beliefs.

http://www.iusedtobelieve.com/selected/best/

My favourites so far:

Once, when I was 8, I told my Mom about this weird experience I had where the exact same thing happened to me twice. She explained that it hadn't happened twice, but that I had déjà vu. The next day at school, I told all of my friends that I had this weird French disease that made me get stuck in time and repeat things I'd already done.

I used to believe that there was a magical ingredient in birthday cakes that allowed you to age another year, and that's why you had to eat it.

When i was little i used to think that when a foreign person spoke subtitles would appear, like in a foreign movie or something.

New Mark's Things* Toolbar 1.1 with Webmail Notifier

Thats right, as well as one-click radio, popup blocker, privacy cleaner and Mark's Things* updates, the new toolbar also notifies you when you have new Gmail, Hotmail or Yahoo mail. Add as many accounts and acocunt types as you like, and optionally store your password so you can access your inbox with a single click.

More info on the new toolbar here. (There's now an International version as well as a Newcastle version so you can add your own radio stations.)

Song Tapper

A cool but pointless Internet Thing where you just tap the space bar along to a song and it'll tell you the name and title of the song.

http://www.songtapper.com

Semen-Electronics.com

Anus Laptops' Sister Site.

AnusLaptops.com(TM)

For quality computer parts, I heartily recommend http://www.anuslaptops.com. Not least because of their great slogan.

Truths Of Life...

The Four Stages of Life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

The Successes of Life:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Is this the stupidest woman in the world?

Glow In the Dark Pigs

When I told someone about this, they didn't believe me.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/4605202.stm

A British Post

I know, I know, according to my stats less than half of people who view this blog are British, but I have to out a Britty post in once every so often to keep by place in BritBlog.

Anyway, here goes:

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it means to be British?". This response is from a chap in Switzerland ...

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.

Pwned.

Schoolchildren

There were originally some really bad ones mixed in with these, but I filtered them out because I love you all so much...


>TEACHER: Why are you late?
>WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
>TEACHER: What sign
>WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
>_____________
>
>TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math
>multiplication on the floor?
>CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
>______________
>
>TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
>GEORGE: Here it is!
>TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
>CLASS: George!
>______________
>
>TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have
>today that we didn't have ten years ago.
>WILLIE: Me!
>______________
>
>TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
>TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
>______________
>
>TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
>ELLEN: I is...
>TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
>ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
>_____________
>
>TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
>JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
>same day, same time."
>______________
>
>TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say
>prayers before eating?
>SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. *
>*_______________
>
>TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is
>exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
>DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
>______________
>
>TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on
>talking when people are no longer interested?
>PUPIL: A teacher.*

A Mouse Has His Revenge

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4593682.stm

For those of you in the UK...

Ceefax page 124. Now.

For the rest of you I'll find the web article later.

The World According to America?

A little harsh maybe, but this is the world according to America.

American readers please feel free to dubmit comedy abut the British. And Irish, of course.

Also, a woman driver is sure to look after her car.

By Yahoo UK.

New Address for Spam Here

It seems Blogger doesn't want me putting spam on Blogspot. I can't think why.

Anyway I have managed to sink even lower by hosting it on port5, so its new address is www.spam.marksthings.com

New Post Archives

Apparently the total size of this page was pretty close to 1MB; so from now on only the most recent 90 days will be displayed on this front page. I am aware that it is currently January and so July shouldn't be being displayed, but no one appears to have told Blogger that.

Anyway, if you want to access some older posts you'll have to use the archive links on the sidebar and at the bottom of this page. :)

The Santa Hat is no more :(

I hate taking down the Christmas decorations, but it had to be done. Sorry!

If you're still seeing it you probably have it in your cache and will have to press Ctrl+F5 to view to the crummy new non-hat version. So don't press it!

The santa hat will remain at http://marksthings.port5.com/topleft-santa.gif so I can put it up next year. Of course port5.com will probably abolish their free hosting before then, but the idea is there.

*sighs*

Once again..., Happy New Year!

I found this in Yahoo. Its not that funny but its still worth clicking through.

A couple of games for you

ROFLcopter: the battle between ROFL and LMAO will take place here: http://www.rofl.name/roflcopter/
Credit for this find to Peggy and Ben.

Captin Suave vs. A Large Monkey
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/games/Captain+Suave+vs+a+large+monkey/
The fact its on Weebls' Stuff should tell you everything you need to know.

Matrix Ping Pong

Those guys in black must have the best jobs in the world.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/pingpong.php