Mark's Words of Wisdom

"Good movies do not have the number '2' in their title."

-- Mark McGuire, 2006

This is what a Honda feels like.

Let's face it - Honda's let us down with the last ad. But never fear, these moustached call centre workers have come to the rescue.

Hey hey kids! Cigarettes with Vitamin C!

So sure, you'll still get cancer, but with this Quebec-invented beauty, you'll be sure you won't die of scurvy first.

Its a fact. Apparently.

You may not remember the KFC ad that featured lots of people singing with their mouths full of chicken. Well, according to MSN's very-cheap-but-still-slightly-entertaining feature on advertisements, it attracted 1,671 complaints from people in the UK who were worried it would have an adverse effect on children's table manners. This made it the most-complained-about ad of 2004.

Fans of the Honda advert where the marbles roll and make stuff happen and stuff...

.. watch this.

Note: If you didn't like the Honda ad you will probably find this stupendously boring.

Similes and Metaphors wot I Stole

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

He fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

He grinned like Jasper Carrott at a fondue party.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Millionaires24.com: Email for the rich, apparently.

I honestly thought that this was a spoof until I saw they had a WorldPay account. It appears that someone, somewhere had a brilliant notion that rich people would pay $5000 a year for a webmail account just for its exclusivity.

If this reaches the 10,000 member limit in my lifetime I'll kiss a donkey. But then afterward I'll start selling 5,000 @marksthings.com addresses at $10,000 each. Surely half the members means twice the exclusivity, hence twice the fee, right?

JustToiletPaper.com

Salesmen! Have people wipe themselves with your brand!
Campers! Now there's portable toilet roll you can take camping!
Infantry soldiers! Now you can take a dump in no man's land!

Wow.

Now to offend some maths students.

What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four...

Bud light Ad #3 .. or #4, I forget.

Bud Light have now opened a greeting card franchise.

New Contact System

The old contact us system was needlessly complex and needlessly easy for people to spam me with (I wouldn't mind, but they chose option other than "I want to send you spam". Inconsiderate people.)

Anyway, the new system is now up, so if you have anything you'd like to submit its now easier than ever at http://contactsystem-usm.marksthings.com/

Who Wants to Be an Idiot #2

Now that was stupid.

Mark's Words of Wisdom

"Plugger."

-- Mark McGuire, 2006

April 2006 Poster of the Month

In affiliation with AllPosters.com


National Sarcasm Society
Buy this Poster

Mark's Things* Toolbar v1.2

As well as all the great stuff it did before (Webmail notifier, MT* Updates, Inbuilt Radio, Popup blocker, etc.), the MT* Toolbar now offers easy switching between Google, Yahoo!, MSN and Ask.com so its the only toolbar you'll ever need. Well, unless you want to view your Google PageRank, which I could add but I won't, because then you'll see every blog I've ever created is at zero.

There should be no need to re-install if you already have the toolbar, which at last count, is about 3 of you.

Try to work these into a converstaion...

New words that everyone should know:

• defenestrate (dee-FEN-uh-strayt): to throw out of a window
• perambulate (puh-RAM-byuh-layt): to walk about; to roam; to stroll
• crapulous (KRAP-yuh-lus): suffering the effects of, or derived from, or suggestive of gross intemperance, especially in drinking; as, a crapulous stomach.

Gmail users can turn on the Word of the Day webclip for more of this kind of stuff. Of course, if you don't want to go the hassle of changing your email provider you could just visit the Word of the Day section of Dictionary.com ... but then you'll look like a geek*.

* Actually, Gmail's probably not all that much cooler.

Savage Chickens

Savage Chickens is an almost-daily cartoon series about today's modern working chickens, or something like that. It may not be quite up to the standard required for inclusion on one's favourites menu, but it still beats the dreaded orange-and-black cat.

Bad Driver? Me?

A selection of vehicular stupidity.

We haven't had any George Bush Baiting on here for a while now...

... but here's some now.

Mark's Words of Wisdom

(Words of Wisdom is probably going to be an irregular new feature that pops up whenever I come out with something potentially inspirational.)

"Delicious food isn't food that makes one happy while eating, rather it is food that makes one continue to be happy after eating."

-- Mark McGuire, 2006

MT* Live At April Fools' Day: Last Time, I Promise...

The creator of Weebl's Stuff is involved in a terrible accident.

MT* Live At April Fools' Day: E-vri-Thin

Its a hot new gadget discovered by cNet that interacts with, well, anything.

MT* Live At April Fools' Day: Ask.com

Since they ditched PG Woodhose it seems Ask.com are a little stuck for humour. Still, its mildly amusing.

MT* Live At April Fools' Day: Download Your Brain

Can't always remember things? Sometimes want to share your thoughts with others? Buy this.

MT* Live at April Fools' Day: El Reg

Blue Peter Badges to be replaced by Blue Peter ID cards. To be honest I'm not 100% sure whether or not this is a joke, but its still worth reading. Maybe not as enjoyable for US readers who don't know what Blue Peter is.

China buys Google. I haven't read it but its probably funny.

Site Introduces Humour Flagging. For those of us who can't tell fact from fiction.

MT* Live At April Fools' Day: Google Romance

Dating is a search problem and Google is here to help with Google Romance. Click on the "post your profile" button for an explanation and links to other Google jokes.