Noah's Ark in the Modern World

The year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah,
who was now living in the United States,
and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying,
"You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain
for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down
and saw Noah weeping in his yard -- but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah,
"but things have changed.
I needed a building permit.
I've been arguing with the inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbors claim that I've violated
the neighborhood zoning laws by building
the Ark in my yard and exceeding the
height limitations.

We had to go to the Development Appeal Board
for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation
demanded a bond be posted
for the future costs of moving power lines
and other overhead obstructions,
to clear the passage for the Ark's
move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us,
but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem.
There's a ban on cutting local trees
in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists
that I needed the wood to save the owls --
but no go!

When I started gathering the animals,
I got sued by an animal rights group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals
against their will.
They argued the accommodation was too restrictive,
and it was cruel and inhumane
to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build
the Ark until they'd conducted an
environmental impact study
on Your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint
with the Human rights Commission
on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire
for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking
the green-card status of most
of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons.
They insist I have to hire only Union workers
with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse,
the IRS seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord,
but it would take at least 10 years
for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared,
the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean You're not going to destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord.
"The government beat me to it."

Don't Play Games with Saddam

He gets so huffy.

SaveTheHoodie.com

I'm not wholly sure how sincere this site is being, but as I posted that article about the grandparents in hoodies I'll post this too.

SaveTheHoodie.com

The game is pretty good: you go around a shop scrounging coins, stealing mobile phones and avoiding the security guards. If you get 3 ASBO's, its game over :o

Poor domain choices? Remember to clear your IE history...

• Need to order a pen? Look no further than www.penisland.net
  
• The well-known electricity company's Italian website: http://www.powergenitalia.com
• And, when you need a therapist check out http://www.therapistfinder.com

I'm bored. I'm going to type emoticons backwards.

(: ): |: d: o:

Hey, aren't I cool?

Did you know...

They've taken the word "gullible" out of the dictionary? :p

Coming Soon

Back by popular demand (well, a comment left by the infamous MoDoG), the games will be returning shortly. Unfortunately I have discovered that many games in the collection were just crap and a lot of them didn't work anyway; so I'll have to find some new ones. I'll also try adding games to the MT* (woohoo, an acronym) Toolbar.

Excitement. :)

Fast Food

Forget queueing in Maccy D's (sorry, local dialect). Africa knows how to provide fast food in seconds.

Be patient, dear.

Always respect your elders, and whatever you do, don't rush them.

Gotta Love Those Germans

German effiecncy is seriously good. No, really. This was particularly shown during the war.

More George Bush Bashing

George Bush is visiting Iraq, and is planning to talk to the troops, but he asks one of his advisors how the troops have done that day before doing so. The Advisor tells him it has been a bad day, as they've lost 3 Brazilian soldiers. George Bush then virtually breaks down into tears and sobs very loudly. About one minute later, he says, "so just how many exactly is 3 Brazilian?"

*ba-dum-tsh*
(I'll quit saying that tomorrow, I swear.)

Anyone want to buy some ash?

Yes, its more crap from eBay.

The Lighter Side of MMORPG

Got some time to waste? Play rock-paper-scissors live with other people across the globe. Cool.

Also: a live fridge magnet game where you take other people's letters to make your own words. Nasty.

How to stop teens wearing hoodies?

Granny's got the answer.

On the Streets of America

An Australian comedy show went down on the streets of America posing as a news network. Needless to say they found some complete prats.

*Ba-Dum-Tsh*

I just like saying that.

*Ba-dum-tsh*

Four golfers

Four men went golfing one day.

Once on the course, three of them headed to the first tee & the fourth went to the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking, and bragged about their sons; the first man told the others, "My son is a builder and is so successful that he gave a friend a brand new house for free."

The second man said, "My son is a car salesman and owns a huge dealership.
He's so successful that he gave a friend a brand new BMW with all the extras."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio worth £100,000."

It was at this point that the fourth man joined them on the tee. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The
fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay, and dances in a gay bar."

The three friends looked down at the grass and smirked.

The fourth man carried on, Admittedly I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing pretty well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new BMW and a stock portfolio worth £100,000."

*Ba-dum-tsh*

Just Ask Jeeves

Ask Jeeves: "Where do babies come from?" (note: yes, you will have to use Image Search)

Mark's Things* Toolbar (Beta)

In conjunction with TheBizPlace, I've managed to build a nifty little toolbar for Internet Explorer*. It allows quick access to posts made here, a nifty little radio, a cookie/cache/history cleaner and the obligitatory search and pop-up blocker functions. (Edit: now there's a special version for our many northeast England viewers.)

Click here.

A notice to Exam Boards

It appears that exam boards are now using email transcripts, text speak and other modern forms of communication in exams. Next year there will probably be blogs and maybe even l337* in there as well. They also seem to copy these from the Internet willy-nilly.

So, just so you know, Mr. Edexcel Man, you're not allowed to use this blog in exams. I'm not having the value of my words sucked out by some hallful of overanalytical schoolkids. Thank you.

* A special language used by nerds.

Real or Hoax?

Apparently some experts have figured that some of the material on blogs like this are hoaxes, go figure. (Symatec, however, clearly isn't one of them; see below.)

So, can you tell what's real from what's not?

What class are you?

Find out how corporations judge your prosperity - based on your postcode.

There are 56 categories in total.

Extreme Sports

Don't whinge on my blog

Someone left a comment (now deleted) on of the posts saying "wtf is the point of this?"

There is no point. Its a blog. If you want to read something with a point to it, do so and quit whinging about it here. Tch, these people...

My blog. My rules. TY.

A very wierd psychiatrist game

Ever wanted to analyse the dreams of poorly animated cuddly toys and cure them of their childhood traumas? Me neither, but this is worth a look anyway.

Skip the intro though, its just a waste of time (hereafter a w.o.t.)

A real transcript from a show on HBO

"Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you any more. There's no more
money to spend-- you used up all of that. You can't start another war
because you used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your
term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people. Listen to your Mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit cards maxed out. No one's speaking to you.

Mission accomplished.

"Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and
walk away. Like you did with your military service and the oil company
and the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next
fantasy job. How about cowboy or space man? Now I know what you're
saying: there's so many other things that you as President could involve
yourself in. Please don't. I know, I know. There's a lot left to do.
There's a war with Venezuela. Eliminating the sales tax on yachts.
Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to
Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote.

"But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern
like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised that you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a president, but even he never conceded an entire city to rising water and snakes.

"On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four
airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of
New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky. I'm not saying you don't love
this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were
on the other side.

"So, yes, God does speak to you. What he is saying is: 'Take a hint.' "

Ski-Lift

http://uk.download.yahoo.com/pr/fu/oa/skilift.mpg

Andy, You're a Star.

Just had to say that :)

The Greatest Insurance Scam Ever

More gender-related gentle-grade comedy. Why? Because its the main thing the net has to offer right now.

Rules from men to women. They are numbered one intentionally.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about
you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say
it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good
with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse
to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your
girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or
some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying
anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape

Symantec have no sense of humour

In respsonse to the massive threat posed by the Irish virus, Symantec have relased this on their website.

Symantec Security Response encourages you to ignore any messages regarding this hoax. It is harmless and is intended only to cause unwarranted concern.

So someone actually wrote into Norton and asked for help in removing this virus. That's me told. I am sorry if I caused anyone "unwarranted concern". If I did, please get in touch and I will tell you that you are depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.