Because plagiarism saves time.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Aaaargh! An Irish Virus!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Government Public Service Ad


Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Bill Gates dies! o_O

Bill Gates died and went to Heaven.

Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven.

One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?"

"Yes, we even use Windows here in heaven," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

*Another* Google Prank

Go to Google, type "Where are my socks?" and click I'm feeling lucky.

If you are getting bored of these Google pranks... use Yahoo.

( Oh, and it also works for "liar". Joy. )

Monday, September 26, 2005

Travel Snippet

I bought one of those around the world tickets, great value for £1200, 37 hours later i arrived in heathrow.

Credit: some bloke of the TV.

Questions

Why Do Tourists Climb To The Top Of A Mountain To Put Money Into A Telescope...to Look Back Where They Have Just Come From?

How Do You Know If The Fridge Light Has Definitely Gone Off?

Why Do Churches Ask For Money If It’s The Root Of All Evil?

What Shape Was The World Before Money Made It Go Round?

Would A Silent Movie Featuring The Invisible Man Be The Most Boring Film Ever?

If 'New Age Travellers' Like Travelling That Much. How Come They Cause Murder When They Get Moved On?

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Chav Joke

Why is a Chav like a slinky?
Because they're useless but its great to watch one fall down the stairs.

Have a good weekend :D

Friday, September 23, 2005

Future Bank Robbers: Pay Attention in School!

Also by Yahoo!, the world's dumbest bank robber.

Can you park?

This guy can park. ( By Yahoo! )

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Liverpool

There was a new up and coming footballer in Iraq, who impressed many top football clubs, including Liverpool, so they signed him and he moved there.

One day he scored a goal and after celebrating phoned his family to ask them how they were, and if they saw the match, and his mother answered and said "well, whilst you were off playing football your sister was raped, and your dad was murdered, and it's all your fault!"

He was shocked at the way in which his mother blamed him, and replied "why? why is that my fault?"

And his mum said "because you made us move to Liverpool."

(Sorry to all Liverpool fans, but lets face it, you're a lot less likely to leave indignant comments than your Brummie counterparts.)

50 Things for Students to do on the First Day of Class

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"

2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.

3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.

4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!"

6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute."

7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.

8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.

9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.

13. Sing your questions.

14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.

15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."

16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.

17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.

18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.

19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY."

20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.

21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occasionally lick your lips.

22. Address the professor as "your excellency."

23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.

24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.

25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.

26. Ask whether you have to come to class.

27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.

28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.

29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.

30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.

31. Watch the professor through binoculars.

32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.

33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.

34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"

35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.

37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.

38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.

39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"

40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Sign-up Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.

42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.

43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for "stud."

44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"

45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidentally" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.

46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.

47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.

48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.

49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.

50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.

Monday, September 19, 2005

New Apartment

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed:

"Shut the hell up!! It's ten past three in the morning!"

Another Google Prank

Go to Google, type in "failure" and click "I'm Feeling Lucky".

Don't ask why, just do it.

Your Will

Decide the important stuff before its too late.

By Yahoo!.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

The Hidden System Settings

(^ Click on the pic. ^ )

*Midly* Amusing Animations

The infamous Bozzetto creates: The differences between men and women and Europe vs Italy. Not as good as Olympics, but worth watching if you're bored (which, if you're reading this blog, you clearly are.)

Sod Political Correctness. Lets post a joke.

After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's. They found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a psychological problem. Some women reported that the mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands. Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women. Various field tests have been carried out on the new design, here are some of the testimonials:

Julie from Hawthorn: "It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be".

Susan from Kew added: "I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle".

Hillary from South Yarra: "I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!!"

Click here to see the new mouse.

Or there's still this one.

In the News :: Burger King vs Muslims?

Burger King has to spend thousans on redesigning one of its ice cream cone lids, shown here on its side because it allegedly looks a bit like this symbol, which sometimes means "holy war" in Muslim.

Rashad Akhtar, who originally complained about the picture, is not satisfied with the public apology issued and the thousands of pounds spent redesigning the cone (with backing from the Muslim Council), and is calling for all Muslims to boycott Burger King. The Burger King spokesperson said "The design simply represents a spinning ice-cream cone." Who would've thought it?

Personally, I think Christians should boycott mathematics, because + looks a bit like the cross Jesus died on.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Too Harsh? The Top 5 Harsh Insults

  • If I throw a stick, will you go away?
  • I'd like to see things from your perspective, but I can't get my head that far up my butt.
  • Ever wonder what life would be like if you had enough oxygen at birth?
  • When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral but I'll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.
  • Your being here is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
Still need more entertainment? See www.marksthings.com.

What to do in an Emergency #1: Loss of Internet

No one knows when the Internet will fail. It could happen at any time, leaving you bereft of your e-mail, your sports scores, and your Blogs. Therefore, it's important that you and your family have a contingency plan for just such an emergency. If your connection to Cyberspace were to ever get severed, you should at least be prepared. I have included a few key points that should assist you if that were to happen.

1. Panic!
An excited, agitated state will give you that heightened sense of awareness and will increase your thought processes allowing you to come up with rational solutions. Panic is just nature's way of putting your body into over-drive. It's a defence mechanism that gives you an edge when dealing with potentially harmful situations, such as a severed arm or the loss of your Internet.

2. Find A Telephone
Do you have access to a telephone line? Early computers connected to the Internet using a dial-up device called a "telephone", along with a hardware device known as a "modem." Since this technology is obsolete, it will be of no use to you. Instead, use your telephone to call your friends to see if their connection is also down, as you will have lost the ability to send an email or an instant message. You can also use a telephone to call 999, an emergency service that will first tell you to calm down, and then will send out specially-trained technicians to find the source of the Internet's failure.

3. Use Your Back-Up Computer
It's always good to have an emergency laptop handy, in case you need to hurry over to a friend's house where the net is still up. If there is still no Internet at that location, at the very least you could connect to a small network or LAN (Less-than Adequate Network). Laptops can also be placed on tables at coffeeshops, while you sit around with a latte, nervously waiting for your connection to be restored.

4. Install A Game
In emergency situations, installing a single-player computer game can occupy your down-time. While it won't replace the adrenaline rush of intense networked multiplayer action provided by the Internet, a quick game of Sim City or Flight Simulator may distract you long enough for your connection to return.

5. Perform Routine Maintenance
While programs such as Norton Antivirus have removed most of the tedium of computer system maintenance, nothing could help pass the time faster than cleaning out your hard drive, emptying your cache, or organizing your celebrity fake porn collection. Take the time to stare at your screen while you perform a defragmentation. The time will literally fly while you barely notice your separation from the Internet.

6. Turn On A Television Or Radio
Televisions, strange boxes that sit in your parents' living rooms, were once used to provide entertainment, long before DVDs and Playstations were invented. Televisions have the capability of broadcasting streaming information similar to the content on multimedia websites. With a "remote control," a wireless device that is like a small one-handed keyboard, you may be able to surf a limited number of "channels," while you deal with the loss of your connection. Unfortunately, television is only a one-way media.

In ancient times, radios were also used to entertain. A radio allowed you to listen to news, sports, and music, much the same way that you listen to live streaming audio on a Shoutcast server. Like the television, a radio will only have a limited selection of listening stations, and no video. Hopefully your separation from the Internet will be brief.

7. Read
People in pre-internet times used to read "books" and "magazines", written materials once created in printable format to pass the time. Some e-books are still available on paper, and may offer a short-term solution until your power is back and your broadband is restored. If reading is not an option, as a last resort, you may wish to try doing "chores," or try your hand at cooking. While these activities cannot replace the internet, they may be able to make the down-time a little more tolerable.

8. Go Outside
The idea of leaving your workstation may seem a little extreme, but you can perform errands that you normally get parents or spouses to do: grocery shopping, drycleaning, etc. Leaving your bedroom, basement, or above-garage apartment suite may be risky, but again, the time may afford an effective distraction from your internet woes. NOTE: Be careful to avoid the sun, because your pasty white skin will not be used to the exposure.

9. Spend time with your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/dog/friend's dog/dog's friend.
Communicating with your wife or girlfriend or dog may seem like a radical suggestion, but the time investment may offer long-term rewards. Spending any amount of time talking about your "relationship" may free up more internet time for you later on, when your ADSL or Cable link to the World Wide Web has been restored. WARNING: These will probably be the longest hours of your life.

10. Use Your Emergency AOL Disk
If you find that your connection to the internet is going to be longer than you can possibly stand, as a last resort, pull out an emergency AOL CD, the one with 910 free hours of connection to the AOL service. Take the CD in one hand...and slash it across your wrist! Suicide will probably be a better alternative than connecting to that crappy service.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

The Latest from Lycos.

Evening classes for men: how to cope with being wrong all the time - and - George W visits New Orleans.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

How many people?

This picture will change after a few seconds. How many people are in it before and after it changes?

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Sky News tells it like it is

Saturday, September 10, 2005

STFU!

If at first you don't get it right try again... unless its singing you can't do.

Friday, September 09, 2005

The Real Hussein & The Critic

These excellent political shorts appear to have disappeared from the blog.

Ah well, here they are again:
The Real Hussein and The Real Hussein 2.

High Rise Living

The creator of Olympics returns with the annoyances of high-rise living.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Hungry Dog + Budweiser = This

Watch the other Bud Light ad. Yes, it still has a dog in.

Have a nice day

Following inspiration from a Garfield strip I saw on My Yahoo yesterday, I tell everyone who reads this (which must be about 3 of you), to have a nice day.

:)

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Pack Place Sign Generator

The creator of the custom error message brings you... this.

Mine is here. It looks like a face ^_^

Revelations in Northumberland: The Covent Garden Statue

Extracted from the Northumberland Gazette (well, not really):
The Museum of Lindisfarne has today revealed a magical statue that has been imported from Covent Garden, London*. The statue, which has baffled local scientists magically changes its position when a coin is placed in a nearby bucket. Admissions to the museum must be booked through Farmer Giles.

(*a town down south).

UPDATE
After just two days of display in the Lindisfarne Museum, the Covent Garden Statue that magically changes its pose when a coin is placed in a nearby bucket has been removed after mythical safety concerns. The first alarming sign was that the statue breathed, blinked, and ate pasties, "almost as if it were really a human" said the museum curator. The area of the museum has been closed pending an urgent scientific investigation.

UPDATE 2
The Covent Garden Statue is now believed to be 'possessed with a spirit' by many and a number of locals have thrown the statue in the River Wansbeck. Locals are claiming to have heard the statue's ghostly presence to scream and shout for help as it sank.

A bear

A bear was frightening people on a housing estate. The authorities thought that this was the best course of action.

Could Internet kill the Radio Star?

Listen to The JCB Song, the new Internet single by Nizlopi.

http://www.jcbsong.co.uk/

Kanye West's Infamous Outburst

The Radio 1 listeners out of you may have heard about this. The other guy's reaction is priceless. (The first minute or so's quite serious though.)

Friday, September 02, 2005

Error Messages

AtomSmasher lets you create your won error messages.






Or create your own.