Little Johnny and the Big Red Bike

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mum, I want a bike for my birthday".

Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did.

Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year and write a letter to God telling him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Johnny.


Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over:

Dear God,

This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Johnny.


Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Your friend,
Johnny.


Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked because Johnny looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE SODDING BIKE.

Signed YOU KNOW WHO

Another Henman

Viralmakers sure are mean to poor Henman.

Henman gets his butt whipped again

Crazy Frpg Fever

Its not the classic of Fat Guy Singing, but not bad for the next generation.

"For the smoker in your life"

http://stores.ebay.co.uk/FakeFags_Stickers

(edit: plus this for the charity-loathers out there)

Garbage Truck Men

Seriously, stick to wolf whistles...

Crazy World

Sorry for not posting anything for a while, too much work... omg, I'm beginning to sound like Weebl.

Anyway, here's some true* stories about the crazy world we live in..

********

A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

********

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

********

An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how
he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

********

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an
examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is
pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the
doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise
her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was just checking ...

********

When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

********

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one
of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

********

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him
something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a
bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”


(* As with everything I've posted since some smart @rse said "ooh no thats not true" spoiling the fun, I can't guarantee the authenticity.)

Geordies need cash

Talking Dogs

Not sure if this has been doctored or not, but its still worth watching...

And another office prank goes wrong...

Yes, its sit-on-the-photocopier time again...

The original Camera Phone

The start of the camera phone phonomenon. http://eur.i1.yimg.com/eur.yimg.com/i/uk/pr/o/camer.jpg

Another slightly strange bathroom

Loser!

Pride comes before a fall. Perhaps the best bit is the fact that blogs like mdmone keep it going round the Internet, just to annoy him more. http://www.ebaumsworld.com/bikeloser.html

Engrish

A site about true Japanese > English translations gone wrong. Fantastic.

A taste of Houston

This really is a true, real life toilet.

http://uk.download.yahoo.com/pr/fu/oa/go.doc

Women Drivers Olympics

Not that I would imply that women are bad drivers...

(Seriously, I'm sure that their premiums are lower because they're safer drivers and not because they often have joint insurance policies when its their partner's premiums that go up when they park up a tree)

Football Fans

Only slightly jammy:

http://uk.download.yahoo.com/fi/fu/oa/manu1.jpg

Sith Sense

Play 20 questions with Darth Vader

Warning: This feature is sponsored by a fast food outlet, and we must therefore include this government health warning:
UNHEALTHY FOOD IS UNHEALTHY. DO NOT EAT FATTY FOODS IF YOU ARE FAT, BIG-BONED, FESTIVELY PLUMP OR OTHERWISE MOCKED BY SOCIETY IN GENERAL.

Also, apologies to the person who emailed this to me weeks ago andI haven't blogged it till now. What can I say, I'm just an awful person.

Feeling hungry?

Food with an attitude. http://www.mdmone.com/blog/files/foreignfood.ppt

Oh the hours that could be wasted

For music lovers: http://www.sr.se/P1/src/sing/index.htm

Gotta hate the frog

Get your revenge on the frog... yetisports style. http://hatethatfrog.desktopcreatures.com

An added incentive to use a posh hotel

Whay are ads like this never shown on TV?

Nothingness

Wow, there is NOTHING on the net worth blogging right now. Please (oh dear God please) leave a comment if you know different.

New Words

1. Bozone (n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Cashtration (n.):
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

3. Giraffiti (n):
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

4. Sarchasm (n):
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

5. Inoculatte (v):
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

6. Hipatitis (n):
Terminal coolness.

7. Karmageddon (n):
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

8. Dopeler effect (n):
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

9. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

10. Beelzebug (n.):
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

11. Caterpallor (n.):
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
12. Ignoranus (n):
A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

For Sale