Mark's Things*

BlackPeopleLoveUs.com

2006-08-25T08:34:00.000+01:00

I'm not quite sure what to make of this website. Either way, it's mildly amusing and I think there's a message in it somewhere. If you think it's racist, you're just being dense and need to think about it a bit longer. I think.

Remote Control Facts

2006-08-24T09:46:00.000+01:00

Via Gizmodo.

The average TV fan loses the remote 3.4 times a week, spending over 2 minutes each time looking for it.

Those ‘missing’ remotes have also been rediscovered in some unusual places: toilet, fridge, bin, washing machine and under the bed.

A disturbingly high percentage (a third) admit to hiding the remote on others while 1-in-5 fessed up to throwing the remote at someone in a fit of rage.

Twenty per cent of people argue with others about the remote every couple of days while 6% said the rows are every night

Almost 90% of those surveyed said men are more possessive (‘my Precioussss’) of the remote and a third said they feel much happier when in control of the remote.

Reality shows make 37% of people change station while 79% switch to avoid ads.

Just when you thought the whole Guy Goma thing had blown over...

2006-08-23T16:46:00.000+01:00

... they decide to make a movie about it. No, really.

Chicken Picks

2006-08-18T09:18:00.001+01:00

You may remember me mentioning Savage Chickens earlier in the blog. Now, I also bring you links to individual episodes. See how nice I am?

Amusement - True to life.
Pet Rock - Somehow, I now feel sorry for a rock.
Sasquatch - Anything that pokes fun at Canada is fine by me.
Over The Moon - I hope my conversations never resort to this.
Shag - It's not what you think.
Anonymous - It just doesn't work in my town.
Do The Math - Sounds like a good career.
Vacation - Why didn't I think of that?
Protest - I agree.
Presentation - The lines go up, so: I'm happy.
Cubicle - How very true.
Voices - I hear the voices too.
The Shawshank Installation - So that's where it was.
Lunch Rut - Not thinking of any places in particular...
Brevity - Maybe I shouldn't talk so much.
Glass Half Empty - I think I said that once.

There's probably more good ones where those came from, so feel free to add some if you want.

Yet another Exam Answer:

2006-08-14T18:17:00.000+01:00

Q: What is the product when chlorine is mixed with water?
A: Wet chlorine.

Via Andy H.

Bollocks.

2006-08-14T08:41:00.000+01:00

MP3 players and washing machines do not make good combinations.
I don't say this very often, but :(

(Editorial Comment)

2006-08-07T11:05:00.000+01:00

Paninis should be made illegal.

Warning: Semi-British Semi-Conservative Humour

2006-07-27T21:59:00.000+01:00

Warning: this is pretty long. You're either going to have to sit and read it or sit and scroll past it. Or you could just go to eBaumsWorld and watch that video of the monkey picking its nose.

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE BRITISH VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front
of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with
breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel' s taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had
hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they have tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid
for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

A forwarded letter from Walmart. It's real, honest.

2006-07-26T18:24:00.000+01:00

Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.

Wal-Mart Complaint Department MEMO
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints -

15 things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse $through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Via someone called Sire.

How to surprise a waitress, an MT Original

2006-07-23T21:22:00.000+01:00

1) Order three extra spoons with your dessert and throw them out of the window.

2) roll up the napkin and singe the end with the candle so it looks
like a joint

3) insist that your mint imperial is corked and demand another.

4) on the way out, pick up the spoons you threw out and use them to
stir your coffee the next day.

Remember Engrish? Here's some more like it:

2006-07-17T14:40:00.000+01:00

Via.

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

The "Steve! Don't Eat It!" Blog

2006-07-16T13:39:00.000+01:00

I have to hand it to Steve, writing about vomitworthy food does make for an original and midly amusing blog.

Gullible.info

2006-07-16T13:05:00.000+01:00

Judging by its name, I'd err on the side of caution when using facts found on this site in dissertations.

New from MT*: How to be Human

2006-07-14T21:59:00.000+01:00

Like most of my spin-off blogs this probably isn't going to last forever, but hell, a blog's a blog. Proudly presenting How To Be Human.

I'm giving into pressure... yes, it's a Zinedine Zidane post.

2006-07-14T17:35:00.000+01:00

I think this page on The Register sums up most of the headbutting virals thus far.

The Numbers Game

2006-07-13T20:51:00.000+01:00

This game is brilliantly simple. Basically you have to try an advance to the page with the next number. If you don't quite grasp what I'm getting at, check the comments for the answers to the first few.

But try it yourself, it feels much better when you finally work it out.

The bank made his day.

2006-07-13T18:57:00.000+01:00

So it's an advert for a bank. And its comedy value is almost purely slapstick. But it's still worth watching.

More Things To Do On a Long Haul Flight

2006-07-13T14:20:00.000+01:00

Find common interests. Ask, "Are you in the Witness Protection Program too?"
Call the stewardess "nurse".
Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be ours...."
Speak in Sesame Street-ese e.g. "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather."
Continually offer to share your "Beano".
Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.
Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so you can check.
Plug the earphones into your nostrils.
Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F".
Use the in-plane phone. Call God and say, "The reception is much clearer up here...."
Speak in an incredibly fake Australian accent. Call the person "mate". Tell them you're not used to seeing the sky, since you are from "Down Under". Keep repeating quotes from "Crocodile Dundee," such as "That's not a knife! That's a knife!", until they are forced to yell at you that you are not Australian. Call them prejudiced.
Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "My, you have a very irate home,' she said governessly."
Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"

Things to do on a Long Haul Flight

2006-07-12T22:28:00.000+01:00

Spill soda on the person next to you every few minutes.
Dress up as a Jehovah's Witness and systematically try to convert each passenger.
Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.
Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, anounce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.
Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.
Go up to someone and ask loudly if they wouldn't mind applying Preporation H to your hemrrhoids.
Tap at the windows, saying "Looks pretty tough" then ask somone if they have a bat you could use to test.
Disco dance in the aisle.
Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!"
Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you.
Try to lead plane in song "Oh I wish I was an Oscar Myer Weiner"
Moon passing Delta planes.
Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.
Start a hot dog stand.
Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.
No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni.
Ask the guy next to you to hold your dentures (senior citizens only).
Switch accents and see if anyone notices.
Put on a ten foot diameter sombrero and slouch in your seat, whacking everyone on the head.
Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says "e"
Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it.
Wear a hairpiece and switch it often, seeing if anyone notices.
Scream and dive under your seat for no apparent reason.
Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling "Yeee-ha!"
With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Nevermind. Do you have any towels?"
If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off
Pretend you're flying the plane.
Take over the plane with a toy gun

Subject Lines

2006-07-12T12:03:00.000+01:00

It seems that the new Yahoo! Mail service will actually suggest a subject for you if you click on the word "subject". Here's some of its oddest suggestions:

You can't teach an old dog to live in glass houses.
I like pie.
I believe those were mouse droppings
Wanna try the Good Cop/Bad Cop routine?
cycling over melons
Cooking pork chops in the toaster
Do you suffer from uncontrollable falling down?
Shake it, don't break it, took your mama 9 months to make it.
Clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon
Hazards of storing plutonium in Tupperware
he who laughs last always has the last laugh
Dang! That's the 10th Commandment I've broken today
All your platypus are belong to us.
Orange Mocha Frappuccinos!
Revoking your creative license
I'm NOT fat...that's my money belt
It's not you, it's me. I don't like you.
There are eels in my hovercraft
I am not a chew toy
Help watering the plastic flowers
Why does Chinese food always taste better in front of a computer?
Early bird gets the worm. But what about the early worm?
I eat tofu and I vote.
Carving watermelons on Halloween
Re: mummification?
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

There are hundreds of them, so if there's a good one I've missed you can leave a comment.

(Site Update)

2006-07-11T20:21:00.000+01:00

People may encounter a few problems over the next few days when trying to contact me or send email to Spamblog. Leaving comments on the blog should still be OK though, and if you receive a "your message has been sent" reply you can be 99.98% sure your message got through.

The reason: I've been tinkering around with a new email address thing and I think I broke some domain setting stuff whilst setting it up; and apparently it'll take a few days to correct itself.

Why Americans should never be allowed to travel

2006-07-07T20:32:00.000+01:00

Allegedly, these are true stories as told by travel agents. Via this page.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

Credit Card

2006-07-07T19:30:00.000+01:00

This anecdote was originally by "Zug's Fronzel Neekburm", whoever that is.

I don't sign my credit cards. Once I went to check into a hotel and the girl checked the back of the card and said it wasn't signed. I signed it there in front of her, and she checked it with the register receipt I also signed in front of her. THANK GOD THEY MATCHED!

A message to MT*'s American Readers...

2006-07-04T20:31:00.000+01:00

.. have a very hapy fourth of July, and remember that even though we don't rule your country anymore, you still keep coming back to read our blogs.

Okay, so most of them are hosted on American servers, but that isn't the point.

Quote of the Day

2006-07-04T20:09:00.000+01:00

"[He] has a school project to do on JFK"
Me: "The airport?"

Hallucinations without the carcinogens.

2006-07-04T15:43:00.000+01:00

That would be this video here. You *do* have to stare at it for some time but if you stare at something that isn't plain afterward you can see it working pretty well.

Bumper Stickers, Inc.

2006-07-03T17:40:00.000+01:00

So many stupid people, so few asteroids.
Excess is never too much in moderation.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.
What would Gandalf do?
I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.
If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex?
If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.
On your mark, get set, go away!
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
If you can read this, you're not the president.
If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!
Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
Procrastinate now.
I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries with that?
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons?
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Honk If you want to see my finger.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!
Driver carries no cash. He's married.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Watch out for the idiot behind me.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
If it ain't broke, fix it until it is.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
Vote Democrat — it's easier than working!
Vote Republican — it's easier than thinking!
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Squirrels: Nature's speed bumps.

Special MT* Feature: Mark's Guide to London

2006-06-29T14:42:00.000+01:00

As some of you may know, yesterday I paid a visit to, as some people insist on calling it, the big smog. This guide isn't serious, as you may have guessed, but a lot of it is pretty true to life.

Coffee and Coffee Shops

Stirring a two-layered Starbucks Frappuccino appears to be, from the reaction I got, the London equivalent of sticking up your middle finger; so avoid this at all costs.
Additionally, do not specify that you would like your Frappuccino "with a straw".
The plural of Starbucks is not Starbii. If you ask people if there are any Starbii nearby no-one will have a clue what you're on about.

The London Underground (hereafter The Tube)

If you are carrying valuable items such as cellphones or MP3 players on a crowded train you may feel the need to put your hand in your pocket to prevent it from being picked. This is a good idea, but do be prepared for some cold stares if you then notice that your carriage is full of politically correct Asians.
If you get bored waiting for a train to arrive and the platform is crowded, dropping a twenty pence piece on the floor makes for some low-cost entertainment.
If you are lucky enough to get a seat on a train, resist the urge to sit for stay on board for an extra few stops so you can make the most of it.
Under no circumstances should you let go of the handrail to stir your Frappuccino. This is especially true if you have removed the lid in order to do so.
Do not confuse the blue line with the light blue line, or the mud-brown line with the maroon-brown line.

The Streets

If you're nearing the fine line between being new to the area and being lost, it is a good idea to ask a street newspaper seller for directions. The same, however, is not true of homeless people. Big Issue sellers are a gray area.
Never assume it is safe to cross a road just because everyone else is.
Many streets bear the warning sign, "No paninis for 200yds."
When purchasing strawberries from a market stall, it is not unusual to demand to see them made freshly right in front of you.
Christopher Columbus never let a few bollards get in his way, and neither do London taxi drivers.
If the green man goes out while you are halfway accross the road, run like hell.
"Excuse me" is a phrase used by beggars, muggers and churchgoers, so Londoners will generally ignore this phrase. Instead, use short phrases such as "Directions?", or "Mind out the way", or "Alright son, wanna buy a bridge?"

Kings Cross Train Station

If the information board tells you to queue behind a certain point, do so. The queue bears no relation to when you get to board the train nor where the correct platform shall be, but it gives one a sense of belonging.
If you are travelling on a Virgin train and have a reserved seat; sit on the toilet instead - there's more legroom.
While tipping is not regarded as compulsory in London or anywhere in the UK, the station vending machines are always appreciative when you pay for a 50p bag of Hula Hoops with a £2 coin.
Instead of calling 0845 48 49 50 for National Rail Enquiries, call 0300 571 6293. The "number not recognised" message will make a lot more sense than anything the call centre tells you.

That Zoom Thing

2006-06-25T11:05:00.000+01:00

Slightly freaky at times, but this could keep you clicking for ages.

These Bloggers are an angry bunch.

2006-06-16T15:34:00.000+01:00

A blog-related episode of web comic Pearls Before Swine.

AirToons.com: Parodies of Flight Safety Notices

2006-06-12T22:12:00.000+01:00

What could be finer than gross misinterpretations of flight safety notices?
(Note: some parodies may be not be SFW.)

Pencilmation meets Flash

2006-06-11T17:26:00.000+01:00

If you liked Pencilmation you may also like this. If you found Pencilmation dull and patronising, you'll hate this.

17632.swf

Quotes That Should Have Been Famous

2006-06-11T17:11:00.000+01:00

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."

Extracted from here.

Avoider (Me? Posting two games in a row?)

2006-06-10T21:50:00.000+01:00

.. I must be getting 1337.

Anyway, this is a pretty good online game whereby you have to keep your mouse cursor away from the evil Japanese cursor-monster thing. And he's pretty fast.

Pundulumeca

2006-06-05T20:24:00.000+01:00

God knows what Pendulumeca means, but it's a good flash game whereby you swing between funny block things.

Well, it beats doing work, at least.

The Revolution of the Wiki:

2006-06-04T16:39:00.000+01:00

... has bought you instructions on how to eat an apple. It's good advice, honest.

Things People Hate About Other People

2006-06-03T00:01:00.000+01:00

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. (MT* Warning: Unless you been living in a David Blaine-esque water tank for the last 5 years you will have heard this one before) When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

That Riddle Thing

2006-06-02T23:46:00.000+01:00

Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Also: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

Click the comments for the answers.

Here's a novel (yet seemingly serious) idea...

2006-05-31T20:34:00.000+01:00

... paying someone to stand in a queue for you.

Follow-up on the old BBC-interviewing-the-wrong-guy thing...

2006-05-31T20:14:00.000+01:00

Its been a busy week for Guy Goma. The guy now has a whole fan club and an online petition full of people wanting him to be given a job at the BBC.

In addition, he is auctioning the shirt he was wearing at the time for charity, and he was also invited back to do a second interview with BBC News.

(The second interview isn't all that funny and you'll probably have to turn your speakers up if you're not used to foreign accents; but hey, I'm just keeping you up-to-date.)

How to annoy a restauranteur:

2006-05-29T16:25:00.000+01:00

Decline to be seated at the restaurant, and simply stand and eat their complimentary mints at the cash register. Look casual and talk to a friend as you do so.

Bunny Suicide Comics. This is so wrong.

2006-05-27T23:10:00.000+01:00

If you think you might be traumatised by cartoon strips in which the cutest little bunny rabbits find ever more innovative ways to kill themselves, don't click this.
(EDIT: Seriously; don't. I mean it.)

Hey, Mr DJ... You're a hand.

2006-05-27T22:27:00.000+01:00

Yes folks, a hand can do a better job than Jo Whiley.

Honesty is the best policy (yes, its more strange eBay auctions).

2006-05-27T16:19:00.000+01:00

This guy should be a professional car salesman.

After you've read it, here's the best of the questions and answers:

Q: Hi i noticed you said it had one ginger in the car, can you confirm all trace has been cleaned away as im allergic thanks
A: I can sympathise. I should have mentioned in the description that the ginge was actually wrapped in tin foil for the duration of his journey. You have to wrap it with the shiny side in, in order to contain the ginge-rays. Shiny side out would absorb heat from the sun and set him on fire - so either way you can't lose.

Q: Is the panda pop unopened?
A: I daren't open it. I'd rather lick plutonium off a horses cock.

Q: Does this beauty have SatNav fitted?
A: It did up until it told me to 'turn right now' about thirty seconds before that photo was taken.

Q: Hi, was just wondering if the Boot Contents would be available to purchase seperately?
A: I don't think that would be fair on the car-purchaser. The current bid could be solely based on the sway of the lucious boot-items. You could try nicking them? I'm not even sure if I locked the car.

Scarecrow > Policeman

2006-05-27T15:14:00.000+01:00

If you're on a mission to slow down traffic, you may as well have some fun at the same time.
(Warning: this links to a British tabloid, but the story is SFW.)

London, baby! etc.

2006-05-27T15:12:00.000+01:00

Sometime next month, I are going to London.
(There's no punchline to this post; I have to make a diary-style entry once every so often to comply with Blogger's Terms of Service.)

Scientists have finally answered the chicken-or-the-egg question.

2006-05-26T22:43:00.000+01:00

So if you don't want it spolit, don't read this article on Yahoo! News.

Now if only they could work out if falling trees make noise if nobody hears them, my life would be complete. Well, that and how to make Virgin Trains run on time.

Some people on eBay are so impatient...

2006-05-26T19:54:00.000+01:00

... and that includes this guy who's just trying to sell a car. Scroll down about halfway to the "On 22-Apr-06 the seller added the following information" bit for the amusing bits.

YouTube Presents: The Best Own Goal Ever.

2006-05-25T20:40:00.000+01:00

I'm not a fan of the World Cup (though the 2 for 1 sandwich deals it brings about are fine) but even I saw the gem inside this man.

Est-ce que un lapin au-dessous de cela?

2006-05-25T20:20:00.000+01:00

If you're the sort of person who likes pictures of cute bunnies balancing stuff on themselves, you may like these:

According to the site whence they came, the guy who does this "starts training [the rabbits] while they're still young, by petting them and, when they are relaxed, placing a light object on their head. For the bunnies, it's almost an extension of the earlier petting, and therefore feels natural."

This all reminds me of CatsInSinks.com, which states that many cats like to climb into sinks as their shape makes them feel comfortable. There are of course a lot of pictures of cats in sinks, and the site is proud to be Google's top result for "Cats In Sinks".

Another informative post on MT*.

Hey, look. Original content.

2006-05-24T18:42:00.000+01:00

I came up with this all by myself. Well, the picture's nicked; but everything else is me me me.
(Feel free to copy the picture, just don't edit out the attribution. That's you, Mr. Bauman.)

Un chien dans la sac.

2006-05-24T18:27:00.000+01:00

Well, kind of. This is how you can take animals on crowded public transport.

2 Cows.

2006-05-19T22:59:00.000+01:00

Via Spy's Spice at www.xenmate.blogspot.com
(Clicky for the original post, including a nice picture of 2 cows.)

SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows
and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows
the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM:
You have 2 cows
the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM:
You have 2 cows.
The Government takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM:
You have 2 cows
the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: (i love this one)
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows
But you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows
None of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRISH FARMER:
You have two cows.
You claim government subsidies for eight cows.

Soccer Joke

2006-05-18T16:00:00.000+01:00

It is just before Scotland vs. Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum."What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're nothing and we can't be bothered." Ronaldo looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat these guys by myself, you lads go down to the pub." So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for some German beer. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads: "Brazil 1 (Ronaldo: 10 minutes) - Scotland 0 ." He really is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium: Brazil 1 (Ronaldo: 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (McStay: 89 minutes)." They can't believe it - he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland! They rush back to the stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes."

Public Service Warning

2006-05-18T10:14:00.000+01:00

If you ask for extra cheese in a UK franchise of Subway they will charge you an additional 20p!

O_o

Good Quotes Wot I Also Stole

2006-05-18T08:05:00.000+01:00

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

[ Credit: Stuey ]

Correction.

2006-05-16T08:04:00.000+01:00

This in reference to the BBC interviewing the wrong guy (see video clip below).

The taxi driver below is not actually a taxi driver; rather someone who had come into the BBC for a job interview. It is thought that he misheard the name being said and was bought into the studio, presumably thinking that the BBC's job application procedures were simply a bit more radical than he was expecting; and didn't realise the mistake until he was on air (I refer you to his expression in the video clip below.)

The real interviewee, editor of a technology magazine, was still waiting in the BBC lounge at the time and was watching, shocked to see that he had become a black man who couldn't answer the simplest of IT questions.

It is unknown as to whether he got the job.

The BBC interviewed the wrong guy.

2006-05-15T20:24:00.000+01:00

This is a real interview in which the BBC interview a taxi driver, thinking he is the edior of a technology magazine. Just watch it as far as the look on his face when they announce his 'profession'.

More on the story here.

Two games

2006-05-15T15:29:00.001+01:00

Normally I don't post games on here as they all seem the same as each other after a while but here's a couple of new ones:

Beat The Meter: www.beatthemeter.co.uk

Time On Time: www.game.maconomy.com

Mark's Words of Wisdom

2006-05-14T08:50:00.000+01:00

"Aubergine? Isn't aubergine that vegetable that makes me roll my eyes?"

-- Mark McGuire, 2006

Crabs.

2006-05-13T09:10:00.000+01:00

If you aren't already a regular at Weebls' Stuff, watch crabs. Its just so visionary*.

* wierd.

May 2006 Poster of the Month

2006-05-07T09:55:00.000+01:00

In affiliation with AllPosters.com

The Simpsons - Homer Scream
Buy this Poster

CowAbduction.com

2006-05-06T14:12:00.000+01:00

Its a serious problem, and an equally serious website.

Yes, its a John Prescott joke.

2006-05-06T10:13:00.000+01:00

As every other site listed on BritBlog will be having a cheap laugh at the oversized British politician, this seems like a good time for me to jump on the bandwagon.

*clears throat*
What do John Prescott and mfi flat pack furniture have in common?
A few screws in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.
*gets coat*

Credit: Manalishi.

Hooray for the British education system.

2006-05-04T19:26:00.000+01:00

An interesting mathematical fact: if you assign every letter a number where a is 34, b is 35, c is 36, etc.; the letters in the word "superstitious" add up to 666, the mark of the devil.

Also, today was 01:02:03 on 04.05.06. I cant believe I missed that (I was distracted by a 5p on the floor, I think.)

And no, the date thing will not work for the Americans and dyslexics who write the month before the date.

Some springboards are springer than others.

2006-05-03T16:46:00.000+01:00

And here's the proof.

Via Yahoo!

A blog... linking... to another blog?

2006-05-03T16:42:00.000+01:00

Its a pity about the creeping text message shorthand, but as personal blogs go this one was gently funny and, dare I say it, worth reading. All 5 posts.

Mark's Words of Wisdom

2006-04-30T17:26:00.000+01:00

"Good movies do not have the number '2' in their title."

-- Mark McGuire, 2006

This is what a Honda feels like.

2006-04-27T20:50:00.000+01:00

Let's face it - Honda's let us down with the last ad. But never fear, these moustached call centre workers have come to the rescue.

Hey hey kids! Cigarettes with Vitamin C!

2006-04-27T20:42:00.000+01:00

So sure, you'll still get cancer, but with this Quebec-invented beauty, you'll be sure you won't die of scurvy first.

Its a fact. Apparently.

2006-04-26T18:42:00.000+01:00

You may not remember the KFC ad that featured lots of people singing with their mouths full of chicken. Well, according to MSN's very-cheap-but-still-slightly-entertaining feature on advertisements, it attracted 1,671 complaints from people in the UK who were worried it would have an adverse effect on children's table manners. This made it the most-complained-about ad of 2004.

2006-04-24T21:45:00.000+01:00

Fans of the Honda advert where the marbles roll and make stuff happen and stuff...

2006-04-24T17:56:00.000+01:00

.. watch this.

Note: If you didn't like the Honda ad you will probably find this stupendously boring.

Similes and Metaphors wot I Stole

2006-04-23T20:15:00.000+01:00

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

He fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

He grinned like Jasper Carrott at a fondue party.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Millionaires24.com: Email for the rich, apparently.

2006-04-23T17:28:00.000+01:00

I honestly thought that this was a spoof until I saw they had a WorldPay account. It appears that someone, somewhere had a brilliant notion that rich people would pay $5000 a year for a webmail account just for its exclusivity.

If this reaches the 10,000 member limit in my lifetime I'll kiss a donkey. But then afterward I'll start selling 5,000 @marksthings.com addresses at $10,000 each. Surely half the members means twice the exclusivity, hence twice the fee, right?

JustToiletPaper.com

2006-04-21T09:53:00.000+01:00

Salesmen! Have people wipe themselves with your brand!
Campers! Now there's portable toilet roll you can take camping!
Infantry soldiers! Now you can take a dump in no man's land!

Wow.

Now to offend some maths students.

2006-04-19T20:46:00.000+01:00

What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four...

Bud light Ad #3 .. or #4, I forget.

2006-04-18T10:11:00.000+01:00

Bud Light have now opened a greeting card franchise.

New Contact System

2006-04-13T15:17:00.000+01:00

The old contact us system was needlessly complex and needlessly easy for people to spam me with (I wouldn't mind, but they chose option other than "I want to send you spam". Inconsiderate people.)

Anyway, the new system is now up, so if you have anything you'd like to submit its now easier than ever at http://contactsystem-usm.marksthings.com/

Who Wants to Be an Idiot #2

2006-04-12T11:36:00.000+01:00

Now that was stupid.

Mark's Words of Wisdom

2006-04-12T10:13:00.000+01:00

"Plugger."

-- Mark McGuire, 2006

April 2006 Poster of the Month

2006-04-12T10:06:00.000+01:00

In affiliation with AllPosters.com

National Sarcasm Society
Buy this Poster

Mark's Things* Toolbar v1.2

2006-04-10T19:00:00.000+01:00

As well as all the great stuff it did before (Webmail notifier, MT* Updates, Inbuilt Radio, Popup blocker, etc.), the MT* Toolbar now offers easy switching between Google, Yahoo!, MSN and Ask.com so its the only toolbar you'll ever need. Well, unless you want to view your Google PageRank, which I could add but I won't, because then you'll see every blog I've ever created is at zero.

There should be no need to re-install if you already have the toolbar, which at last count, is about 3 of you.

Try to work these into a converstaion...

2006-04-07T19:57:00.000+01:00

New words that everyone should know:

defenestrate (dee-FEN-uh-strayt): to throw out of a window
perambulate (puh-RAM-byuh-layt): to walk about; to roam; to stroll
crapulous (KRAP-yuh-lus): suffering the effects of, or derived from, or suggestive of gross intemperance, especially in drinking; as, a crapulous stomach.

Gmail users can turn on the Word of the Day webclip for more of this kind of stuff. Of course, if you don't want to go the hassle of changing your email provider you could just visit the Word of the Day section of Dictionary.com ... but then you'll look like a geek*.

* Actually, Gmail's probably not all that much cooler.

Savage Chickens

2006-04-07T19:52:00.000+01:00

Savage Chickens is an almost-daily cartoon series about today's modern working chickens, or something like that. It may not be quite up to the standard required for inclusion on one's favourites menu, but it still beats the dreaded orange-and-black cat.

Bad Driver? Me?

2006-04-07T18:03:00.000+01:00

A selection of vehicular stupidity.

We haven't had any George Bush Baiting on here for a while now...

2006-04-02T12:15:00.000+01:00

... but here's some now.

Mark's Words of Wisdom

2006-04-01T21:37:00.000+01:00

(Words of Wisdom is probably going to be an irregular new feature that pops up whenever I come out with something potentially inspirational.)

"Delicious food isn't food that makes one happy while eating, rather it is food that makes one continue to be happy after eating."

-- Mark McGuire, 2006

MT* Live At April Fools' Day: Last Time, I Promise...

2006-04-01T21:25:00.000+01:00

The creator of Weebl's Stuff is involved in a terrible accident.

MT* Live At April Fools' Day: E-vri-Thin

2006-04-01T17:03:00.000+01:00

Its a hot new gadget discovered by cNet that interacts with, well, anything.

MT* Live At April Fools' Day: Ask.com

2006-04-01T11:24:00.000+01:00

Since they ditched PG Woodhose it seems Ask.com are a little stuck for humour. Still, its mildly amusing.

MT* Live At April Fools' Day: Download Your Brain

2006-04-01T11:18:00.000+01:00

Can't always remember things? Sometimes want to share your thoughts with others? Buy this.

MT* Live at April Fools' Day: El Reg

2006-04-01T11:01:00.000+01:00

Blue Peter Badges to be replaced by Blue Peter ID cards. To be honest I'm not 100% sure whether or not this is a joke, but its still worth reading. Maybe not as enjoyable for US readers who don't know what Blue Peter is.

China buys Google. I haven't read it but its probably funny.

Site Introduces Humour Flagging. For those of us who can't tell fact from fiction.

MT* Live At April Fools' Day: Google Romance

2006-04-01T10:18:00.000+01:00

Dating is a search problem and Google is here to help with Google Romance. Click on the "post your profile" button for an explanation and links to other Google jokes.

My Cat's Got Knees!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!

2006-03-31T20:09:00.000+01:00

Normally I'm not a huge fan* of RatherGood.com but I thought this was worth watching.

* Ever since those damn Switch/Maestro ads, anyway.

The one with the Philosophy Professor

2006-03-30T15:42:00.000+01:00

You may have heard this before put here it is anyway:

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full . . . They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full! . The students responded with a unanimous . . . "yes."

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided . . . "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things . . . God, family, children, health, friends, and favorite passions . . . Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter . . . Like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else . . . The small stuff."

" If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued . . . "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

" So, pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness . . Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first. The things that really matter. Set your priorities . . . The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised his hand and asked to come down and demonstrate another idea. Given permission he walked down to the front and carefully poured half a can of Budweiser into the jar, filling in the tiny gaps in between the grains of sand. The students laughed. He said, "This shows that no matter what else is going on in your life, there's always time for beer".

Hey look, I can blog from my phone.

2006-03-28T21:47:00.000+01:00

Lovely.

Fishing with Bill Swain

2006-03-27T18:35:00.000+01:00

Is this the most accident prone fishing programme presenter in the world?

Probably.

Company Policy

2006-03-27T18:24:00.000+01:00

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Annual Leave Days
Each employee will receive 104Annual Leave days a year. They are
called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the Chronic offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Joke auctions get press, but this one actually deserves it.

2006-03-21T21:33:00.000Z

You may notice that MT* didn't cover the air guitar or empty mince pie dish that was for sale on eBay for they lacked the originality found in our plaigerised links (with the obvious exception of Stick Man.)

But this one's a one for the UK viewers (which according to my stats is about 55% of you) who watch the news (which is probably more like 1%, but I'm going to post this anyway:) http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/03/21/peerage_auction/