Technical Support Please!

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which
I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and
run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse,
Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as
LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware
program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system,
forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other
they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use
up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and
Cleanhouse2004.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very
unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored
in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months
later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic
Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch
TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I
have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to
be reinstalled every other week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive,
it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself.

Help requested please!

The Llama Song

Sometimes random is funny.

Damn. That's why hits have been so low on here recently.

The search engines have stopped giving my blog as a result for humourously irrelevant search terms. :(

I did, however, hear that I was on the first few pages of results for "girls lich girls" on MSN USA, but I'm too shy to check myself.

Monkey monkey

A midly bloggable photograph of a monkey.

A Sky News Reporter Gets Snowballed Live on Camera

This needs no further explanation.

The dictionary that offends Germans.

Well, a shortenings dictionary. Ideal for those you who don't know what LOL, STFU and PIYCDW* means.

* Okay, I just made that one up.

Getting a little quiet around here...

I used to get about 500-600 visits to this blog every month (it sounds a lot, but a fair amount of those are the just same people visiting more than once). This month looks more like its going to be closer to 300 :(

Did I say something to offend you all or is my site tracking broken?

Bugger.

The one word that fits these particular occassions. Just remember, a bigger motor does not mean a big advantage.

Type Fast.

Well, do as the title says.

Wow.

Ooh, look at this.

(Warning: this is an advert. But its a funny advert.)

Guess The Google

An original idea where you look at some images and guess which Google Image search term bought them up. It seems hard at first but you will get better with practice.

Give it a try.

Phobile

I want one. Then I could finally emulate that TV sketch in style. Phobile

www.marksthings.com

Oh. My. God.

Why the hell is this blog on the first page of results when you type "heating things up in the kitchen with your lover" into MSN USA?

Note: I did not type this in myself, I just have a machine that tells me how people found my site. The same machine told me about the Northumberland Statue one, which has since expired :(

Interesting facts

I have decided to do what bloggers do: link to other blogs in the middle of their own blog. But this post's pretty good.

( I wonder how many people clicked on each one of those links only to find they all go to the same page? )

Marks* Public Service Ads

I never cover anything serious on here, so remember kids:

• Only users lose drugs.
• Smoking shortens your cigarettes.

Thank you. We now return to the blogginess.

What do you do when your computer crashes?

Find Bill Gates, and give him a pie.

Freaky Cornflour and Street Art

Failry cool street art (gets better as you scroll down).

Ever wondered what happens if you mix conflour* with water, shake the dish at 25 G's and blow a puff of air onto it? Well, the good old University of Texas found out for us: and its surprisingly freaky. (Note: the good bit's about 1:55 through the video).

Once again, this stuff was found by blog reader Xenmate.

* or cornstarch, if you're American.

The Mental Health Hotline

Hope you have a touch-tone phone.

This is a video of a dog riding a skateboard.

This needs no further introduction.

OK, kids: pay attention....

This is why you don't throw bricks at windows.

Ooh, levitation.

A Japanese guy makes a Japanese woman levitate on the street for Japansese TV. It gets more convincing as it goes on :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=NIwgTWkK50Y

Thanks to Xenmate for this find. If you've seen something on the net you'd like to add you can either leave a comment here or contact me directly using the link on the right.

FAQ Update

By "FAQ" I mean a question asked, usually not more than once. But once again FAQ and being high on search engines* makes me feel like a big-time blogger.

Q: Is there anything original on this blog at all?
A: Yes, I think, somewhere there is. But you'll have a job finding it. But it should be easy enough to spot: its the bits that aren't funny.

Q: Isn't Public Shout a bit of a stupid idea?
A: Apparently, yes. But it might be good while it lasts.

Q: What do you actually blog here?
A: My favourite recent posts is probably this.

* (sic) Search engines are a drug. Don't do it kids.

I'm first on a search engine! Woohoo!

On Japanese MSN Search if you search for: "Mum Yesterday Was Dramatic Today Is OK 03.There Is A Number Of Small Things" I am first! Hooray!

Don't believe me, do you? Here's the link.

(No, I don't know why I'm first for obscure foreign search terms either but it makes me feel like a big-time blogger.)

Public Shout!*

Okay, I admit it. Public Shout has been pretty quiet. (As have all of my other blogs, but thats because I'm too lazy to update them.)

Do you people have nothing interesting going on at all?

The dullest blog in the world

Those of you bored enough to click the "Next Blog" button in the corner will probably have only come across boring context-bound drivel that nobody really cares about. Far be it from me to say that everyone's blog sucks except mine, I've decided to try and find a few good ones.

The first one I've found being The Dullest Blog in the World.

Happy Fireworks Night!

There's been quite a few questions (okay, one) about where you can find the clip where the dog thinks the firework is a stick he's meant to bring back. Its here.

Builder in training

This is *allegedly* a true accident claim filed by a builder in New Zealand.

You can find it on Yahoo's website.

The bestest headlines that are better than any other headlines in the universe EVER!

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[O.. K...]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[Lazy skivers.]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a while
[You think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[Did I read that sign right?]

Politicalness

I feel I must apologise for the increase in Bush and Blair bashing posts on here recently. Unfortunately the current confines of Internet humour mean that its either this or "women drive slower than men ha haa haah aaahhaaa haaaa haaahhhaaa-shut-the-hell-up."

Still, here's something Bush said last September:
"We will make sure our troops have all that is necessary to complete their missions. That's why I went to the Congress last September and proposed fundamental - supplemental funding, which is money for armor and body parts and ammunition and fuel."

And last August:
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

New Blogs for Your Viewing Pleasure

Well, I've been busy an have made a few new blogs.

Public Shout!* (www.publicshout.blogspot.com)
This is a free-for-all where anyone (and I mean anyone) can post anything. Just send an email to the magical address and your message will appear on the blog automatically. The idea is to see what the public chooses to blog about and to see if half-assed ideas like this actually take off.

Mark's Games* (www.marksgames.blogspot.com)
For when you have a little time to waste. It may not be updated as often as the main blog due to the overall suckiness of most Internet games, but its a timewaster nonetheless.

The Penguin Page (www.penguinpage.blogspot.com)
So I wrote three-and-a-half articles on it and ran out of ideas. Big deal. Its still a blog dedicated to my penguin ancestors.

The Ultimate Poubelle (coming soon, hopefully)
Random.