George Bush meets the Pope's Inner Circle.

George Bush meeting the new Pope's inner circle:

26 Things to do in an Elevator

1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2.Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3.Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5.Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6.Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's Mine!"

7.Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8.Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9.Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10.Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11.Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12.Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13.Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14.When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15.Swat at flies that don't exist.

16.Tell people that you can see their aura.

17.Call out, "Group Hug!” and then enforce it.

18.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

19.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20.Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your One of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22.Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23.Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25.Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

26.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

Its exam time...

Here's why you should revise: http://viral.lycos.co.uk/attachments/3857/exam.ppt

GBJab.com

Its not quite up to JibJab yet but give it time...

http://www.gbjab.com/

Government Warning: BREAD IS DANGEROUS

Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

Fireworks and hot dogs

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. THIS WAS (presumably) DONE BY A VERY WELL TRAINED HOT DOG.

http://uk.download.yahoo.com/ne/fu/oa/hotdog.wmv

More Pure Evil

Maybe humans are evil people... use caution

Loans and Debt Consolidation

Spoof informercial on loans and debt consolidation. The guy off the Ocean Finance advert would be proud.

(Dead link removed)

Eternal Truths and Questions

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re a prat.

Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you’ll be right.

The easiest way to find something that’s lost is to buy a replacement.

How come when you open a can of evaporated milk it’s still there?

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

8 Things to do with Coke

1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

Police Answerphone

http://webpages.charter.net/edread/police.html

(Apologies to Firefox users, looks like you'll have to switch back to IE to hear this one.)

New car

I've decided the car I want when I get my licence: its highly versatile.

Showbiz Gossip

Hoards of teenage fans are following the newfound starlet "Fat Guy making fool of self" posted earlier.

Another dodgy yet somehow unfunny joke

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "is my time up?"

God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair colour.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"

God replied, " I dind't recognise you."

The Italian, the Scotsman and the Chinese guy...

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy,
"You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you
guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the
pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep
any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a
fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared
and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I
told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah could nay get meself a
shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah
could nay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand
to look for the Chinese guy ...

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and
yells "SUPPLIES!"

(Yeah, well, its the best joke I've got. You got better, leave a comment.)

Mensa Test

Its something to so:

Mensa Test

Yahoo Dictionary

Seems like every post I make links to Yahoo. Still, here's
Yahoo's definition of a scumbag

Election 05

They've got my vote: http://www.omrlp.com/

(Edit: the "Manicfesto" is the best bit.)

News from Iraq

Presenting... News from Iraq (don't worry, all politically correct)...

Chav Test

Take the Chav test: http://uk.download.yahoo.com/ne/fu/oa/chavtest.xls

Videos for your enjoyment

Old people can be pretty evil: Pensioners

Defective Merchandise: Read the manual

The government's latest anti-alcohol campaign (not for the squeamish): Too Drunk

*Ahem*... gutted! Diving board

Turn the sound up

Well, what can I say? Another work of art by the geniuses (or genii) at Albino Blacksheep.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/numa.php